Years back when the City of Philadelphia was looking at a new tourism slogan, it was leaked to the press that one (presumably joking) slogan proposed was âPhiladelphia: Itâs Not as Bad as You Think.â I laughed out loud at the report back thenâall the while thinking how apt it was (because Philly is actually a great town and a great location, and we rarely appreciate it for all that it has to offer).   About three-quarters into my title year, I cannot help but think that the tongue-in-cheek slogan applies to our local leather community as well. Although the Greater Philadelphia area leather community has a reputation for in-fighting and eating its own (a reputation that we foster and sometimes â disturbingly â seem to take pride in), the good news is that weâre not as bad as we think. So why would we choose to think poorly of ourselves and our current situation?   I have a couple theories. One of the lessons I learned a couple years back when training for a Black Belt in Six Sigma (an operational excellence program designed to identify and reduce variations in process) was that we tend to focus on and hold onto the negatives (a defect, abnormality, problem, etc.), particularly if they have an impact on our work or our lives.  At the time of that corporate training, I was going to tackle a project to reduce calls to our Hagerstown customer service group about online-access issues for our medical journals.  The call center had reported anecdotally that the majority of their calls were about online access; by addressing this issue, that is, making it easier to access the medical journals online, they believed, we would make a tremendous impact on customer satisfaction and employee morale. One of the first things we did on this project was establish a baseline count of these calls (to prove whatever solution we put into place was working).  We created a system to track and quantify the calls coming into the center about online access issues.  As it turned out, the call volumes about this issue were not nearly as large as the customer service reps had led themselves to believe.  The mere fact that these calls are annoying and tedious influenced how the staff viewed the impact on their workflow.  They honestly believed it was a much bigger problem, but their own numbers proved them wrong. It is, in fact, simple human nature to amplify or exaggerate the importance of minor infractions that have a direct impact on us while overlooking bigger issues that might ultimately have a greater impact on us, albeit less directly.  So when we have a direct interaction or experience thatâs negative, and weâre not personally experiencing the positive, or weâre now allowing ourselves to relish the positive and to really experience the good thatâs happening, then our overall perception is naturally going to be a negative one. This is one reason for us to feel that things are worse than they actually are. And without question there are a handful (probably even less) of active members in our community who serve as lightning rods and whose mere presence evokes negative response.  We all know these types of controversial figures.  Some of them are intentional âshit stirrersâ and some are probably well-intended âleadersâ who are inept and unwilling to accept help or to take responsibility for mistakes.  Since none of these folks are intentionally destructive or hateful, both types wind up having supporters as well as detractors, although not always in equal measure (and probably rightfully so).   When these people engage in event planning or organization, community response focuses on these lightning rod people as individuals rather than their activities, events or organizationsâusually to the detriment of the event or organization, and without any impact on the individual who is doing the organizing.   But the ânegativityâ of that discourse takes on a life of its own, and far outlasts any single event or activity. And, at least from my own personal experience in the leather community, the discourse around infractions or even perceived infractions tends to be unhealthy, disrespectful and destructive.  A healthy community, like a healthy relationship, requires dialogue.  But Iâve witnessed firsthand that when a legitimate red flag is raised, the person who is raising it may be targeted and, sometimes, shot down.  In these scenarios, itâs almost automatic that people divide.  We position ourselves into camps and prepare for attack.  In âtaking sides,â we grown adults become like kids on a playground.  Instead of working together to resolve conflict or to clarify misunderstandings or miscommunications, we play games with smoke and mirrors.  We tend to divert attention from wrongs or potential wrongs, not only of our own doing, but of those whose âsideâ we are taking.  We all get caught up in this, lay men and leaders alike.  I was genuinely shocked to find that leaders (and not just local ones) would rather point out flaws or perceived flaws in others to deflect attention from their charges rather than holding them accountable and creating good will within the community.   Iâve witnessed some leaders literally offer to PAY for othersâ mistakes rather than holding others accountable for financials.  These are nice gestures, but donât foster trust in our leadership.  And what we need to true leadership and trust. Rather than admitting failures, we have a tendency to point fingers and suggest that othersâ flaws are bigger than our own and therefore not worthy of discussion.  Folks who have not even taken part in any questionable activity become personally and emotionally invested in these discussions.   And to what end?  Often people who have the best intentions, who want only the best things for the community, wind up harming each other.   Ironically even national titleholders who lament how we âeat our ownâ are guilty of cannibalism.  Sadly when it comes to these lightning rod types, the kind of communication we engage in these days can only end in stalemates.  Nobody feels like winner, nobody has emotional closer, everybody maintains their resentment and anger. And when you look at it from this perspective, in the midst of all this finger-pointing, blaming, accusations, suspicions and hurt feelings, no wonder itâs hard to remember all the wonderful things that are happening in our community.  And yet these wonderful things are realâ and, in truth, more real than most of our discussions and discourse! I started thinking about these things early in June at this yearâs Pride parade, noting how few members of the areaâs leather groups and bear groups were marching or joining the Bike Stop float.  Last year there were a ton of bears and leather men who had joined the float; this year they were mostly missing in action.  This was a big change.  I wondered what, if anything, the lack of participation was communicating.  Was this a wake-up call about our community involvement/health or merely an indicator that in horrendously hot weather, leather men would prefer air-conditioned dungeon spaces or getting out of town?  Or perhaps something else altogether? These questions prompted me to take a personal assessment of the Philadelphia area leather communityâwhere we are, where weâve been, and where weâre going.   And since Iâm self-interested, Iâm starting with November 2007 since thatâs when I won my title and consequently started paying closer attention to the community and its concerns. In November, we saw a very successful leather weekend in town with increased corporate sponsors such as RECON.  The contest was sold-out and we saw lots of out-of-towners (many of them HOT) visiting our fair city during the event.  Inspired by my leather brothers in New Jersey who created their own yahoo group to effectively communicate with one another about issues and events of interest, one of the first things that I did after winning my title was to create a yahoo group for the Philadelphia area leather community (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/phillyleather).   Is it a perfect online environment for us?  Absolutely not! Although not all communications posted are equally effective or constructive, the yahoo group has been a great tool for advertising events, sales, recruiting group membership, etc.  Itâs also provided an outlet for members of the pan and straight kink community to share information, network and promote events to the gay- and lesbian-identified leather community.     Members of the Crusty Old Leather Dykes (COLD) used the yahoo group to introduce themselves to the community at large and to invite others into their fold, and they used the group to promote their bar nights at The Bike Stop (parties they call âDyke Stopâ although they are open to all women) and at FUSE (XO Lounge).   In addition to this increased public visibility, the group has a website (http://crustyoldleatherdykes.com) and is planning a series of podcasts for womenâwhich I believe will be the only lesbian-focused leather podcast available.   Go, Philly dykes!  Itâs nice to see leather and lesbian women doing more in public than marching before the June pride celebrations or driving their cycles! The Keystone Boys of Leather is still in its forming stages, but they too have used the yahoo group to promote their first âItâs a Boy!â social (attended and/or supported by members of the Philadelphians MC, The New York boys of Leather, the DC boys of Leather, the Centaurs, the Pennsmen and Argonauts) and their first business meeting last month.  The boys have created their own yahoo group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/keystoneboysofleather) and website (http://keystoneboysofleather.org), and they meet next on Sunday, July 27th at 5pm in the basement of the Bike Stop.  But you can check them out on July 4 at their Bike Stop BBQ fundraiser, 11am -4pm (this event is unrelated to the MidAtlantic Leather SIR/leather boy contest also taking place at the Bike Stop that weekend). Mature groups like the Philadelphians MC, who already have an extended network, have also used the yahoo group, although to a lesser extent.   And our brothers and sisters in NJ have used the group to promote a long series of events, from toy drives at the holidays to chili cook-offs to their Foreplay party and pride celebrations. Philadelphia saw three M4M spanking parties in 2008, attracting men from across the region (including New York), from their 20s to 50s, in a wide range of shapes, sizes and degrees of spanking versatility.  Thatâs a lotta pink butt!  And if you werenât in the social circuits that promoted these private parties, you might not have learned about them outside of the yahoo group. Our straight allies from MAsT Philadelphia, who along with members of the local NLA chapter, proved to be great allies and collaborators for my CLAW Nation kinky carnival in March, partnered with Passional just last month to present bondage workshops with celebrated author Jay Wiseman.   Talk about kicking off Pride month with a kinky twist!  MAsT: Philadelphia supports the states of Pennsylvania, Delaware and South New Jersey. It exists as an education, support and resource group for individuals involved in, or interested in the Master/slave and/or Dominant/submissive lifestyle, and provides an opportunity and forum for like-minded individuals to come together for discussion of issues of concern, to share ideas and gain and/or share knowledge of the Master/slave lifestyle.  Their next meeting, on July 9, will include a safety presentation on dungeon/ play party etiquette and discussion about community mentoring.  For more information about MAsT, check out their yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MAsT_Philadelphia_AnnouncementsBlack Phoenix, a new members-only play space, also opened just last month.  From what I read on the yahoo group (I havenât seen it personally), it is a large, impressive space with plenty of room to swing a single tail or to do suspension work.  According to press releases, there will be smoking, changing and social areas available for everyone, as well as a unisex restroom and cleaning stations.   I understand that plans are also in the works for private same-sex parties for folks who are more comfortable playing in a gay-only environment.  Although we saw the demise of the Magnum parties this year, thereâs been great buzz and grrrrrs over the new weekly bear parties, WOOF! Philly, at 200 S 12th Street.  Held every Sunday, WOOF! Philly promises cheap beer, hot guest DJs (such as Tony Ruiz, Mad Adam, Gary Givant and Phillyâs own DJs Barney and Zathan Radix), and sexy beartenders.  This coming weekendâs party (âWoof! NYC Invades Woof! Philly) will feature DJ Reed McGowan with Max Scott with special porn star guests from Butch Bear.  WOOF! Philly indeed!   For more information and schedules, check out http://www.myspace.com/woofphilly and http://www.woofphilly.com.   Also coming up this month is the Libertine Ball (http://libertineball.com) at club Shampoo on July 11-13, for folks who want to get celebrate their kink and shake their pirate booty, and the discipline-themed MidAtlantic Leather SIR/boy contest kicks off the month and the July 4 holiday weekend with special guest judges including IML 2008 Gary Iriza and Phillyâs own Michael Casey at the Bike Stop (including a meet-n-greet at 11pm on Friday, July 4; contest 6-8pm on Saturday, July 5, with $15 donation going to the winnerâs travel fund; Red White and Leather Victory Party at 10pm to benefit NGLTF; and closing reception at 2pm on July 6).    Later in July I look forward to judging the International Deaf Leather contest (along with Gary Iriza, who returns to town for this second contest), with events taking place July 17-20 at The Bike Stop, Club Body and William Way Community Center.  The IDL weekend includes bar nights, cocktail parties, a leather market, workshops and more.  This yearâs charity beneficiaries are the Philadelphia AIDS Thrift and Calcutta House.  For more information about IDL, check out their website at http://idl2008.org/. With all these exciting things going on, with new events coming to town, new groups being created or expanding, thereâs no reason to think so poorly of ourselves.   Much like the example from my customer service call center about online access complaints, the facts here in Philly tell another story. We are evolving; we are growing.  We are succeeding in building community, not only within our tighter knit social cliques, but across groups of all kinds.  We are integrating gay and straight, men and women.  We need to celebrate this growth and not focus on past mistakes and old wounds.  We canât change the past, but we can choose to look beyond past mistakes.     And if weâre still harboring ill willâ well, not focusing on past misdoings doesnât mean we ignore them, disregard them or that we canât learn from them.   But it does mean forgiving. We need to remember that itâs natural and normal to fail on occasionâas event planners and as people.  We are fragile and humanâwe lie to cover ourselves, even when thereâs nothing to cover up.   We try to hide what we consider our failures, even if these are failures that others would understand and accept. Itâs better to try and fail than to do nothing.   If you try and fail, admit it and let yourself be comforted by the community.  Share lessons learned so others donât make the same mistake, and try again. Itâs easier to say than do, I know.  And I admit that sometimes it feels like there are people who are impossible to forgive. Unfortunately in our western Judeo-Christian culture, we often believe there must be repentance before there can be forgiveness.    Community leaders who are too weak to admit their failings and mistakes engender enduring suspicion and angerâand unfortunately a questionable event or activity from the past may acquire the power to taint future events.  Even if/when no real transgression has taken place, there is black cloud over these leaders and all subsequent events in which they participate.  In cases like this, we have two healthy choicesâ forgive someone blindly, because itâs healthier for you (the forgiver), and healthier for the community; or opt out of supporting future events by these leaders until they have proven themselves to be worthy (by whatever standards you have set for yourself).  But we need to stop bashing each other for the smallest of infractions, and itâs time to stop bashing ourselves for our own mistakes.  Thereâs plenty of blame to go around, but plenty of forgiveness and compassion too.  We need to forgive ourselves and each other just for being weak, for not always being able to admit that weâve done wrong.  The truth is, sometimes what we hate most in others is what we fear most in ourselves. But when we get past our own distrust and hurts-- and I believe we will-- our community will all find an amazing wealth of opportunities here in kinky and fetish Philadelphia.   We have some great people here, and great potential to continue to grow and develop into a world-class community.  Come the Fourth of July, whether youâre BBQ-ing with the Keystone boys, celebrating Discipline-style at the Bike Stop, in an air-conditioned dungeon play space, or just getting out of town, consider the freedom that is afforded by forgiveness, and the unity that is created by compassion.   Now these things are really worth celebrating.

[ Tue, 1 Jul 2008 04:01:00 GMT ]

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