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IFOC Podcasts

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This is my audio archive of 100 word stories from "100 Words Or Les Nessman" so you can hear me misread them instead of suffer through the various spelling errors I incorporate into the feed. Be sure to watch out for The Adventures of Mustard Man and The

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Calling names

Every boy in my kindergarten class is named John and every girl is named Joan. The other five classes are the same. We check with the other schools in the district and they are reporting the same thing. You'd think someone would have noticed this with the birth certificates, but nobody noticed a pattern or raised an alarm. Normal name distribution in the district, normal migration patterns for a developed country. One boy's eyes flash blue for a moment. Then the others. They all smile. Wh...

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[ Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:32:05 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #168 - Shrouded In Mist

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Mick. And the topic is Shrouded In Mist. You have until midnight on Friday July 10 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message. Do no...

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[ Sat, 04 Jul 2009 19:18:32 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #167 - Step into a Slim Jim

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Seven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Step Into A Slim Jim. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/Danny from http://dannymachal.comHouston Keys from http://tatertotsforthemasses.blogspot.comJeffrey from http://GreatHite...

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[ Sat, 04 Jul 2009 09:18:43 -0600 ]

The shock

Today, we fill our bodies with drugs to make up for reckless lives. In the world of tomorrow, futurists say there will be nanobots making adjustments, repairs, and corrections. At what point do we stop being ourselves and end up at the mercy of machines? Does it matter who controls the machines? Does it matter who dispenses the drugs? What raw animal instincts are we prisoners to? Perhaps we never have had any control over ourselves? I feel a spark and my vision flickers for a bit. I fee...

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[ Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:49:58 -0600 ]

Caulk

I stood over the sheriff with my caulking gun, a ribbon of white goo still swinging from the nozzle. The sheriff was confused. “Do you know how hard it's going to be to get this crap out of my shirt?” Not hard at all if you know what you're doing. You see, I run the drycleaning shop. Caulk is easy to get out of a shirt. Easier than blood. That's why I gunfight with a caulking gun. He gets up, draws his gun, and shoots me. Great. A huge bloodstain on my shirt. This'll be a bitch to fi...

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[ Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:30:04 -0600 ]

Skydiving

The instructor said that I should read the manual carefully. So, I did. But I read it backwards. Instead of getting in the airplane and jumping out of it, I was standing in the middle of a field. The parachute was draped over me, and I was tangled up in its lines. When the plane passed overhead, I shouted "I'll be right up!" and I jumped as high as I could. No, I didn't fly up to the plane. Instead, I twisted my ankle on a rock and got tangled up in the parachute lines even worse. Stupid m...

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[ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 22:00:56 -0600 ]

Moonbeam Harvest

The moonbeams cover the forest floor, and we gather the magic sparkles and put them into glass jars. We elves have been gathering for centuries. The deep, rich forests that produce the best moonbeams may be gone, but there's plenty of trees left in hard-to-reach places to harvest under. Besides, we're more efficient at refining moonbeams now. It only takes ten jars of sparkles to fill a Moonbeam Bomb where it used to require thousands. My water-basin swirls, and a message arrives from Germany...

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[ Tue, 30 Jun 2009 10:43:33 -0600 ]

The Knife Tossers

Two men toss a knife back and forth. They catch it each time. One man tries to catch it in his teeth, and with a head-spin he comes up smiling, blade in his mouth. He tosses it to the other man, who leaps and kicks at the knife, catching it in his toes. This goes on for hours, until one man is lying on the sand, knife buried in his chest. The other man pulls it out, wipes the blood off on a sleeve, and says “So, what do you think of my suggestion to flip a coin now?”...

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[ Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:30:19 -0600 ]

Cupid's Arrows

That's not a tattoo on my shoulder. It's a scar. Cupid got his arrows mixed up with hunting arrows. I saw my true love, worked up my courage, and took an arrow in the chest. He missed my heart, thankfully. Unlike my true love. She was dead within a second. But then, we both were hit with hunting arrows, not with Cupid's. Were we hit by Cupid's arrows, I'd believe it. Maybe it was just the heat of the moment. Cupid apologized at the funeral, offered to hit us again with the right arrows....

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[ Sun, 28 Jun 2009 21:28:37 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #167 - Step into a Slim Jim

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Danny. And the topic is Step into a Slim Jim. You have until midnight on Friday July 3 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message. D...

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[ Sat, 27 Jun 2009 17:51:17 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #166 - A bucket of gruel

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Six, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's A bucket of gruel. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Danny from http://dannymachal.comJustin from http://www.thespaceturtle.comLynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.comJeffrey from http://GreatHites.blogspot.comAnima from h...

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[ Sat, 27 Jun 2009 07:59:09 -0600 ]

Jackals and Jokers

Jackals and jokers line the streets. Licking their lips as the coffin goes by. A nice juicy leg would make such a treat. You bite through the knees while I tug on the feet. Don't lock down the lid. We all want a peek. No? Not this time? What if we promise not to suck out the other eye? We made him. We own him. He is a part of us. Let us tear him apart. Let us scatter his bones. When we are done all is left is his suit. What size did he wear? I take forty-two long....

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[ Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:41:05 -0600 ]

Faxcakes

Every so often, we get someone who needs to send a fax. I got careless with the office supplies and ran out of fax machine paper. No, it doesn't use the cut-sheet paper. It needs the old thermal rolls. So I ended up loading the machine with pancakes. That's right. Rolled-up pancakes. I didn't expect to get a fax all day, and the office supply store was going to deliver another roll tomorrow, but I heard the phone ring and that telltale fax sound. It printed, and I picked up the pancake. T...

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[ Thu, 25 Jun 2009 23:00:21 -0600 ]

Let's all thank Finland

The meeting went long, so I asked who was responsible for that. "Finland," said Joe. "The meeting went long because of Finland." "Fine," I said. "Let's thank Finland." We tried to open the windows so we could shout THANK YOU FINLAND at the same time, but like all office buildings, the windows were sealed shut. It took just three hits with a heavy chair to shatter the glass. "THANK YOU FINLAND!" we all shouted at once. Except for Joe. He was laughing. "You're all morons," he said. "Finland...

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[ Wed, 24 Jun 2009 12:51:54 -0600 ]

So hard to believe

It's hard to believe that Macy is gone. Nobody in the room can believe it. Not even Sarah, who still believes in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. "Someone needs to believe this," I say, and I dial 1-800-BEL-IEVE. It rings twice, and then:" What don't you believe?" "Macy is gone," I say. "MACY IS GONE????" shrieks the voice. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The shrieking subsides after a minute, and I am left a cell phone emitting sobs and whimpers. "Now do you believe that Macy is gone?" I asked the g...

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[ Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:46:12 -0600 ]

The Garage

Hewlett-Packard was founded in a garage. So was Apple. Famous Amos started in his kitchen. Me, I start businesses all over this house. The bank began in the bathroom, consulting firms in the crawl space, and my shed led to the creation of a quarter of the Fortune 500. If you look in the dishwasher, you'll see some venture capitalists checking the industry broadsheets, looking for good investments. It's getting harder to find good talent, so I'm founding a business school in my pants. Care ...

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[ Mon, 22 Jun 2009 10:30:14 -0600 ]

The Apples

As I walk the path, the trees offer me apples. "They are juicy and ripe," say the trees. "We'd hate for them to go to waste." "I'm sorry,” I say. “I'm allergic to apples." Insulted, the trees turn their backs to the path. "I could juggle them if you'd like," I say. The trees are shocked. “How would you like it if we asked if we could juggle your babies?" they ask. "But you offered to let me eat them," I said. "That's different," they say, and I walk in uncomfortable silence....

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[ Sun, 21 Jun 2009 09:21:43 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #166 - A bucket of gruel

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Norval Joe. And the topic is A bucket of gruel. You have until midnight on Friday June 27 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message...

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[ Sat, 20 Jun 2009 17:40:12 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #165 - Cyborgs combined with... ?

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Cyborgs combined with... ?. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/Laurie from http://www.myspace.com/sufferingravenGuy David from http://guydavid.com/Anima from http://zabbadabba.com...

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[ Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:02:04 -0600 ]

The Barber

Back when I was a younger man, I liked to play jokes. I get bored easily. When I get bored, I joke. I went into the barber shop every day of the week for a haircut. As I came back each day, the barber became more and more confused. "Weren't you just here yesterday?" he asked. "It only feels that way," I said. "Should I come in more often?" On Friday, I didn't give him a tip. "You left it too long!" I shouted and stormed out of the shop. The barber scalped me so I'd never do it again....

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[ Fri, 19 Jun 2009 13:28:10 -0600 ]

Burn the trees

We need more farmland, so we must clear more trees. The warriors tried to burn the trees down, but once we lit them on fire, they continued burning for weeks. The fire rages in their branches without consuming them. Instead of clearing the forest of all trees, we cleared the forest of all the inhabitants. The flames scared away all the creatures with any sense to fear fire, and those that didn't, they burned. We watched the forest burn from our huts on the hills, and knowing that the planti...

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[ Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:16:06 -0600 ]

The Magical Shoes

The shoes! Magical talking shoes! We agree they're worth a share of treasure. "We are worth two!" cry the shoes. "Hold your tongues!" I say. "You don't have a say in this matter." As each member of our group examined them, they squeaked. "Dwarf feet stink! Worse than the goblin you rescued me from!" "Warriors jump too much!" "Priests are boring!" And our mage didn't like them. "They lack curly points," he said. "We'll sell them?" said the dwarf. We agreed. "No!" protested the shoes. H...

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[ Wed, 17 Jun 2009 09:13:57 -0600 ]

The Chicken Channel

The cable is out. Ever since the conversion to digital signals, the cable has been rock-solid. And... It's back? That was pretty quick. Usually, it takes hours. That was just a few seconds. For a moment, I swear I saw... A chicken? We have a digital recorder, so I rewind the tape... Hah, all these anachronistic terms. Anyway, I go back and... A chicken. Staring out from the screen. It is a powerful, bold chicken. It is a majestic, God-like chicken. I am ready to do as it commands. And ...

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[ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 08:31:10 -0600 ]

No Clue

From the moment I was called on, it was obvious: I had no clue. Everybody else has a clue, but when Teacher asked where mine was, I said "I forgot." The other kids, with their bloody knives and smoking guns and fingerprints, laughing at me. Shrinking into my seat, the laughter just gets worse. I snapped. I went on a murderous rampage with the various weapons in the classroom. When the smoke cleared, I was the last alive. That's when I realized... I had a clue after all. Many clues. Sittin...

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[ Mon, 15 Jun 2009 14:58:17 -0600 ]

Sunday Brunch

I was cleaning the litterbox when I came across a human skull. I'm pretty sure it's human, unlike the past three skulls, which turned out to be chimpanzees. My kitten is asleep on a chair. Should I have stopped him after finding the first skull? It was only a chimpanzee, right? Where's the harm in that? I haven't seen any posters about missing chimpanzee skulls. Or, now, human skulls. I tried to put a camera on the litterbox, but the power cord had been chewed on and pulled out. The kitte...

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[ Sun, 14 Jun 2009 09:51:47 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #165 - Cyborgs combined with...

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Justin. And the topic is Cyborgs combined with.... You have until midnight on Friday June 20 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email mess...

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[ Sat, 13 Jun 2009 18:16:41 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #164 - Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Four, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Justin from http://www.thespaceturtle.com/Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/Guy David from http://guydavid.com/Tom from http://footnote.libsyn.comAnima from...

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[ Sat, 13 Jun 2009 11:17:37 -0600 ]

Squeaky Wheel

The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but what do the other wheels get? Nothing. That's why all the wheels squeak at the same time. One squeaks, and the others think "Hey, we don't want that wheel getting all the grease! We want grease, too!" Yes, wheels think. They go round and round with this stuff in their little wheel heads. They all start to squeak, even though they're fine. Pretty soon, all the wheels are squeaking as loud as they can. Never mind that they're sitting perfectly still, no...

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[ Fri, 12 Jun 2009 21:29:22 -0600 ]

Gutter

Hi. My name is Gus Gustafson. I design gutters. The best in town. If you need a gutter, get Gus! That's on the side of my truck. I put a lot of thought into my gutters. You could say that my mind is always in the gutter. And you'd be right. When I'm not designing gutters on my computer, I'm using it to download and watch hardcore pornography. While watching a midget amputee rape a donkey, I notice that the gutters on their bungalow are uneven and sagging. So is the midget, but there's no...

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[ Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:04:32 -0600 ]

The Blood

Hallways of history's horrors, collected to remind future generations of the evils of the past. Never again, we all say. Gunfire! Get down. Now. Get behind something. We see two men, guns drawn. A guard. And a madman. Both fired. Each man falls to the floor, blood flowing from where they'd shot each other. A madman with a lifetime of hate, his blood slowly mixing with the guard's blood who had stopped him at the cost of his own life. He sees the dead stare, and then their blood togethe...

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[ Wed, 10 Jun 2009 21:37:29 -0600 ]

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