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IFOC Podcasts

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This is my audio archive of 100 word stories from "100 Words Or Les Nessman" so you can hear me misread them instead of suffer through the various spelling errors I incorporate into the feed. Be sure to watch out for The Adventures of Mustard Man and The

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Corn Dogs

There's nothing quite like a fresh hand-dipped corn dog at the county fair. These aren't the pre-processed ones you get at the state fair or the grocery store. You can watch as they pull a hot dog out of the kettle, spear it with a stick, dip it in the batter, and dangle it in the hot oil. Look behind the curtain, and you'll see the batter-maid milking a batter-cow into pails, hot dogs picked straight from a hot dog tree, and the oil pumped straight from the Great Vegetable Oil River. As I s...

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[ Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:02:11 -0600 ]

There will be peace when the Gnomes love their children more than they hate us

In the nursery, we keep it simple: babies coming in equals babies going out. Come up short, and security checks the tapes before “Stolen Baby” makes the evening news. But when we come up with extra, that’s worse. "Damn those Gnomes," said Nurse Riley. "They sneak their agents into nurseries to infiltrate our species." This giggling, squirming lump in a standard-issue diaper is no child. Riley pointed out the beard-stubble and bright red shaving rash. The look in her eyes: sadness and...

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Envelopes

Ted says that you can use your underwear twice by turning it inside out. �That's good to know, Ted,� I say. What's weird is that he does the same thing with envelopes. I didn't know that you could do that with envelopes, turning them inside out and addressing them again, but Ted can do it. He's really good with folding paper. Now, this only works with plain white envelopes, mind you. If you do this with a packing envelope, you can't write on the packing material they glue to the inside of it...

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Treasure

Some say buried among the stones and markers lies mankind's greatest treasure. Not gold, not silver, not precious stones. It's something we all seek, sometimes even beg for. We all have it. It's within us all, so hard to give, and harder to accept. And hardest of all, even though it is within us, we find it hardest to give to ourselves. Time and time again, they come here for it. Rarely do they find it. It can't be taken. It may be too late to beg the dead for forgiveness, but it is never...

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Punisher

The Mystic Sisters have a good racket going. One's a punisher for hire, taking clients down into her dungeon and beating them within an inch of their lives. A few days later, they see the fortune-teller sister, the one who read bruises instead of palms. Sometimes, guys go into the dungeon but don't go to the fortune-teller. Other times, they see the fortune-teller, but they got their bruises elsewhere. And then, well, one day, the punisher limps into her sister's house. She's got two black e...

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A Night On The Beach

I wake up and shake the sand from my shoes. This happens every morning. But I haven't been to the beach in years. Only in my dreams. Sometimes, there's driftwood in my hand, seaweed wrapped around my ankle. Salt in my hair from the ocean spray. On a shelf over my mirror, I've put my seashell collection. All these things, I dream of. And bring back with me. When I dream of you, take my hand, and let me bring you back. I will leave my sadness on the sands of my dreams. To be washed away w...

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Counting Sheep

In light of the news that Nick Wilson/57 Miles shitcanned one of my favorite grid podcasts Second Rant with Prokovy Neva over apparent Crimes Against Muttonity, I wrote this happy little story: Oh, sure, you think those sheep you count to get to sleep are sweet and innocent, but I know better. It's a conspiracy. The counting sheep want to take over the world. I was only pretending to sleep the other night when the sheep came by for me to count. I closed my eyes and made snoring sounds, so t...

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And back again

The princess needed to smuggle gold from one castle to the other without thieves knowing. Ruplestiltskin was long banished into nothingness, but his spinning-wheel remained. So, she spun the wheel backwards, turning gold into straw. She sent out the straw with farmers, and then the princess with her spinning wheel afterwards. Brilliant, she thought. The next day, the carts were loaded up with the straw and sent out. Soon after, the princess began her journey. Midway there, she found that ...

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[ Mon, 31 Aug 2009 09:37:26 -0600 ]

Unicorns

I hate unicorns. I especially hate the ones that leave a trail of sparkles everywhere they go. Sparkles turn to soggy ash after a while. You see the sparkly herd of unicorns prancing and running, but I have to deal with the disgusting grey piles they leave behind. Speaking of piles, did you know that unicorns do not shit rainbows? If you don't know what they shit, then you don't want to know. Just sit there in your fantasy bubble with unicorns and rainbows and sparkles. One day, you'll ge...

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[ Sun, 30 Aug 2009 09:08:48 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #176 - On the line

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Lynda. And the topic is On the line. You have until midnight on Friday September 4 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. If you have a blog, podcast, or other site that people can go to so the...

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[ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 19:00:13 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #175 - A Full Set

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Seventy-Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's A Full Set. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of the week?Lynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.com/J RadimusDanny from http://dannymachal.comErin from http://www.connected2christ.comNorval Joe from http://www.norvalsoutlook.blogs...

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[ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 12:29:11 -0600 ]

The Gamblers

Vinnie and Joey liked to gamble. They were always betting each other about this or that. Especially about their hits. They were hitmen, you see. Joey liked to play How Much Money Is In Their Wallet? Sure, they always split the take, just like they split the contracts. One day, they took a contract, but the hit didn't happen. By the time they realized he'd skipped town, Joey and Vinnie were picked up. Right before they were tossed off the roof of the building, Vinnie said "I bet you five ...

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[ Fri, 28 Aug 2009 20:33:20 -0600 ]

The Field Manual

To be caught behind enemy lines is a dangerous thing, but as long as you have a flute, you'll be fine. The Army Field Manual has all sorts of unusual regulations like this one: Leaving guns out for the Bullet Fairy to reload. Smearing mud over your eyes to make you invisible to your enemies. Licking a jeep's steering wheel to make it start. I'm on my third highlighter already. Maybe it's some kind of sick joke? Someone's pulling a prank on me? Then I look at the publishing credits: Publishe...

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[ Fri, 21 Aug 2009 09:37:07 -0600 ]

The Good Dishes

We keep the good dishes in a cupboard and only take them out for special occasions. On the other hand, we keep the evil dishes in an iron-bound wooden chest in the basement. They rattle and clatter angrily in their prison, demanding to be set free. Not a chance. The last time we let them out, they gave the mayor and his wife food poisoning. We've tried to destroy them, but every time we break a plate or a dish, the pieces reassemble themselves the next morning. It's best to keep them locked...

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[ Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:44:50 -0600 ]

Poland

It's rare to find a travel agency these days. Websites have all but eliminated the industry. Maybe it's just an old habit, but I still go to the travel agent downtown. I think it's the desks, the window displays, and posters that draw me. One in particular. It's a beautiful valley scene, and below is written: "The Nazis were cruel fuckers and Poland is beautiful." Every other travel poster has a beautiful scene and the country or city name, but my eyes keep getting drawn back to the Polish o...

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[ Wed, 19 Aug 2009 09:57:17 -0600 ]

Tevye and His Vertebrae

Tevye lay in the mud, staring at the sky, silently cursing the people of Anatevka. He had tried to explain how living was hard, with so many challenges and problems to balance. Nobody understood. So, he said “it’s like a fiddler on the roof.” They still didn’t understand. So, he got out his violin, climbed on the roof, and tried to play it to show them how shaky he was. “Tradition keeps us balanced!” he shouted. And fell. He couldn’t move. His neck was broken. His wife shr...

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[ Tue, 18 Aug 2009 09:12:20 -0600 ]

Father and Son

Dan taught his son how to ride a bike, how to shave, how to tie a tie, and all the little things that fathers teach sons. Many years later, after the stroke, Dan's son taught him to speak, how to shave, and how to tie a tie again. But instead of teaching him how to ride a bike, he went ahead and tried to teach his dad how to drive again. Big mistake. As Dan was loaded into the ambulance, he watched another father teach his young boy how to tie a tourniquet. They grow up so fast. He smiled....

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[ Mon, 17 Aug 2009 09:05:36 -0600 ]

Boiling Point

Doctor Odd only received one F in his life. His chemistry teacher asked “What's the boiling point of mercury?” So, he built an orbiting doomsday laser and performed experiments on the planet Mercury. The next day, he presented his results. "I meant the element, not planet," she said. She gave him an F. The class laughed. Odd vowed revenge and transferred to a different high school. He didn't wait long to determine the boiling point of the old teacher, her class, and that entire damn s...

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[ Sun, 16 Aug 2009 20:23:24 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #174 - Over the falls in a barrel

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Rocky. And the topic is Over the falls in a barrel. You have until midnight on Friday August 21 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. If you have a blog, podcast, or other site that people can...

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[ Sat, 15 Aug 2009 18:36:07 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #173 - Over/Under

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Seventy-Three, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Over/Under. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?CaledoniaDannyGuy DavidJustinErinDedricTJLyndaNorval JoePlanet Z Free polls from Pollhost.com Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple s...

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[ Sat, 15 Aug 2009 09:12:44 -0600 ]

The folder is empty

This folder is empty. I don’t know if it had anything in it. I just know it’s empty now. I have no log entries about this folder. My log is empty, except for one entry: log file cleared. The name of the folder is Important Files. There are no files in the folder, important or not. Maybe they were so important, someone took them away from me. Why did they leave the folder? Did they want to see what I would do with it? I should delete it. And then clear the log fi- What was I talking ...

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[ Fri, 14 Aug 2009 11:27:14 -0600 ]

The folder is empty

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[ Fri, 14 Aug 2009 11:27:14 -0600 ]

A Calendar Of Nobles

It is the first of the month, and the Archduke of Junius is refusing to abdicate to his brother, Baron Quintilis . Armies are dispatched, and in Quintillis’ defeat, a distant cousin steals the crown for himself. Lord Julius laughs from his throne for thirty days, but when he wearies of power, hands the crown off to his uncle Augustus, not the rightful heir in the County of Sextilis. The war rages on, and the nobility worries for the loss of life and riches. An agreement is reached, and the...

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[ Thu, 13 Aug 2009 09:20:12 -0600 ]

The Ex

The second-longest wait is from the time you issue a Reboot command to the time your bridebot opens her eyes and sees you for the first time as her husband. The glint in her eye, the look on her face… it affects everything she says and does. The longest wait is, of course, when you reverse the firmware flash for the divorce to take effect. Usually, the glint and the look are long gone by then. The memories remain, though, which is why it’s best to do a seven-pass erase procedure before re...

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[ Fri, 07 Aug 2009 11:12:48 -0600 ]

Mr. Twelve

On either end of the table, Mister Midnight sat. One was a man in a cloak with a silver hourglass. The other wore a zoot guit, tapping a silver cane. Neither worked with The League Of Heroes, so they weren’t on the registry that prevents these situations. Their lawyers drafted up an agreement, trying to avoid a embarrassing superhero fight. “What if neither of you were Mister Midnight?” they suggested. “You be The Dark Hourglass, and you’re After Hours.” The heroes thought, smi...

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[ Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:02:27 -0600 ]

Imperfection

Try as you might, perfection never lasts. The moment you come close to perfection, the imperfections stand out in contrast so clearly. That makes it easier to find and remove them, and makes the remaining imperfections stand out even more clearly. The knife is steady, but the flesh resists. One final flaw, and this girl will be the pinnacle of existence. I put the knife down. I will not cut. No, there will be no scar. I don't need lasers like others do, but my work is always perfect. Perfe...

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[ Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:47:04 -0600 ]

The Candy Prince

The Candy Price sits on his chocolate bunny, watching the troops walk past. His lemondrop eyes glisten in admiration of his army. "March, my men!" he cheers, and the army raises a shout. A gumdrop button falls from his Marzipan coat. He has been outside for too long today. He returns to his palace, inspecting his frosting hair in the mirror. "I am coming apart!" he cries to his butler. "Help me!" He tries to change suits, but feels something snap. The chef-surgeon arrives, but shakes his ...

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[ Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:16:42 -0600 ]

Crime In E Minor

The detective looks at the body and says “Round up every violinist.” He is holding a smashed instrument, and his conclusions would be sound if he were correct about one thing: that is a viola, not a violin. They dust it for fingerprints… none at all. I wore gloves, you see. Yes, it was me, dear reader. I am the murderer. And that is my viola. The violinists come in, one after the other, but each has an alibi. It is a year later, he is no closer to solving the case. Good. Because m...

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[ Mon, 03 Aug 2009 09:41:07 -0600 ]

Unmaking Plans

We spent our lives together, always making plans. We planned to have children, but never did. We planned a trip around the world, but we never left the village more than a few days. We planned to build a gazebo and a bridge across the creek, but when you look out back, you see nothing but grass, trees, and water. For years, we made plans like these. I sit here, by her bedside, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. They will arrive too late. “What shall I do?” I asked last night. “E...

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[ Sun, 02 Aug 2009 09:30:15 -0600 ]

Weekly Challenge #172 - The Walls Shuddered

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was . And the topic is The Walls Shuddered. You have until midnight on Friday August 7 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. If you have a blog, podcast, or other site that people can go to so the...

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[ Sat, 01 Aug 2009 18:24:24 -0600 ]

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Wade E. Butler Philosophy Orthodoxy Transforming offers a collection of short (10 minutes or less per episode) easy-to-understand guided teaching describing a new sort of spirituality which merges orthodox Christianity with Universal spirituality and practices. Orthodoxy Transforming seeks to offer at least part of the solution of the re-adaptation of the Christian Church to the modern era of spiritual transformation.		Hipsters United News, speculation, and discussion about The Smashing Pumpkins, their music, and their legacy. http://www.hipstersunited.com		Press Start Video Games The weekly podcast for gaming news, impressions, reviews, and alcohol fueled rants as delivered by Richey and Schlep. Live recording and pre-show take place 11:00 PM CST at justin.tv/pressstart.